Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
If looks could kill
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The dark side of Canada
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.