Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
You Might Also Like
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful