Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Taliband
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.