You wish you had this many chins.
You Might Also Like
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
figuring out my emotional availability:
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.