Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.