I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
You Might Also Like
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
For anyone who needs this today
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
What if all the cashiers are married?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer