My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
pizza
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.