Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I self medicate, therefore you live.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?