Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*