I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.