Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
bro what is going on at twitter
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.