Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Skills
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.