I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I’d … I’d rather not.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip