1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.