I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified