Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
You Might Also Like
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
this has to be peak English
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys