I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up