Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango