I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Taliband
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall