We’ve come full circle
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.