Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.