WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it