she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.