The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
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you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN