Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?