My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Very good news from my accountant
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.