Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.