be careful
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
What a chick magnet..
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.