Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
i really liked this one
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.