My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.