[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..