If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.