I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Sending in my taxes
Something Saturday.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.