“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…