Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
You Might Also Like
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
who wants to go expliring
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence