for all #parents out there
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.