boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
✌️
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.