The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
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DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
This fish is cracking me up
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.