Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
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by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car