Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The Book. The Movie.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!