Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?