“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…