Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting