[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
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I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.