[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
You Might Also Like
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I hope they boil the right one.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
welcome back
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.