Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
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It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My dad.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Oh. My. God.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*