Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt