Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’