I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Ion see the issue