I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no